Codependency in Relationships

" People in codependent relationships may not appear happy, relaxed, calm or at peace." - Edward Moszynski

A codependent relationship is a relationship where one person is a caretaker and the other takes advantage of them. A codependent person will feel the need to set aside their own needs and desires to put the other person before them and meet their needs. Codependent relationships can be seen in romantic relationships, parent and child relationships, teacher and student relationships, etc.   

Edward Moszynski, a counselor at Sheridan College, explains that codependency is when one or both people involved in a relationship stop seeing themselves as individuals outside of the relationship. 

“They begin to lose their own self-identity, sense of self-worth, self-esteem, individual strengths, and gifts, whatever makes them a unique person becomes secondary, less important or diminished completely by the relationship,” says Moszynski. 

Bianca Grace, a licensed therapist who primarily works with individuals, couples, and families, explains that codependency can root in childhood.  

“There is social co-dependency, where it’s taught to us by our learning institutions, our hierarchal type of a setup of everything. At the family level, we start to perform duties for people- we start to be things for people. Psychologically, emotionally, and physically doing things for them in order for them to be okay. The parent being unstable makes the codependent child more hypersensitive. In your adult life… you’re just consumed by needing to take care of somebody and be in a relationship that’s dysfunctional and [you’re] afraid to be alone,” says Grace. 

A codependent child doesn’t develop a sense of self that is healthy and needs approval from others to feel worthy.  The same can be said of romantic relationships.

“People in codependent relationships may not appear happy, relaxed, calm, or at peace. There may be a lot of secrecy around the relationship, avoidance of others, excuses to not spend time outside the relationship, and no longer engaging in hobbies or passions they used to enjoy,” says Moszynski.  

According to Moszyski, some signs of codependent relationships include loss of friends, separation from family, increase in arguments within the relationship, possibly violence, one or both persons dealing with addictions issues, more isolation in general, questioning time spent with others, and feeling guilty about time spent outside the relationship.  

According to Grace, codependent people can feel lonely because they’re not developed and still need to figure out who they are as an individual. 

“If you’re in a codependent relationship… educate yourself, go to therapy- whatever process you want to take. I’ve seen people heal very quickly and start to get a grip on things and then take action in their relationship to initiate new communication strategies and get their partner on board with understanding. Both parties are going to have to learn how to communicate. Learn who they are and why they’re having the issues they’re having,” says Grace. 

According to Grace, codependency is a mindset that keeps you stuck in avoidance, suppression, and oppression of ideas of yourself, communicating with others, making decisions, and being productive in your life.