Imagine navigating a relationship when one or both partners 'think differently'. This is the reality for 1 in 7 people in the UK, who are neurodivergent.
It's estimated that 15% of the UK/Global population is neurodivergent - a term that encompasses differences in how an individual's brain functions and processes information. Common neurodivergent conditions like Autism, ADHD, and Dyslexia fall under this umbrella, but there are many others too.
These differences can lead to challenges with communication, sensory experiences, and emotional expression and can profoundly affect relationships. Social stigma along with a lack of awareness and understanding, often exacerbates these difficulties.
While most research on neurodiversity has focused on understanding the causes of conditions or addressing challenges related to employment, education, and independent living, one critical aspect of adult life - romantic relationships - has been largely overlooked. Many neurodiverse individuals desire long-term romantic relationships but often struggle to form and sustain them. This can lead to isolation and, in some cases, contribute to mental health challenges.
"the biggest challenge neurodiverse couples face, is always communication without a doubt"
As with many relationships, communication can be the biggest issue. As Clare Dudeney, a Humanistic Therapeutic Counsellor specialising in neurodiverse couples, states, "The biggest challenge neurodiverse couples face is always communication." Research shows that neurodiverse individuals may struggle to interpret verbal and nonverbal cues, leading to misunderstandings, stress, and unhappiness.
Like most relationships, being in a neurodiverse relationship has its challenges and may require more effort and understanding; however being neurodiverse can also bring strengths that can positively enhance the relationship. As illustrated in the image opposite, each neurodiverse condition offers distinct strengths that contribute to personal growth, resilience, empathy, honesty and authenticity, which can form the building blocks of a rich, rewarding, and deeply connected relationship.
The Overlapping Strengths of Neurodiversity, Dr. Nancy Doyle.
The Overlapping Strengths of Neurodiversity, Dr. Nancy Doyle.
To shed light on the challenges and triumphs of neurodiverse couples, this multimedia documentary Living with a Neurodivergent shares the unique experiences of four couples in neurodiverse relationships where partners 'think differently'. Through a series of short videos in which couples interview each other, the documentary explores how neurodiversity impacts communication, social interaction and how couples support each other.
For some of the couples featured, this project marks the first time they have openly discussed neurodiversity and its impact on their relationship. The goal is to celebrate these relationships, deepen partners' understanding of each other, and create broader awareness of the challenges and strengths of neurodiverse partnerships, both for those involved and the wider community.
At the end of this multimedia documentary, you'll find a section featuring Clare Dudeney, offering practical tips and valuable insights for navigating neurodiversity within relationships.
These are their stories, told in their own words.
Jane and Ian
"I was punished for being a typical ADHDer" - Jane
After over 30 years of knowing each other, Jane and Ian have been together for the last seven years and were married four years ago.
Jane was diagnosed with Dyslexia three years ago and was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Dsypraxia. Despite these challenges, she remains resilient and optimistic. Ian, who is neurotypical, is a supportive partner.
In this film, we see Jane and Ian discuss the benefits and challenges of being in an ADHD relationship, how they support each other in social situations and being open about ADHD with friends and family.
Liam and Sarah
"I feel awkward as I haven't actually been diagnosed ... I feel a bit like a fraud" - Sarah
Liam and Sarah have been in a relationship for four years after meeting at work. Liam is neurotypical, whilst Sarah is a self-diagnosed ADHDer. Sarah has been waiting for over three years for an ADHD assessment.
This is the first time they have discussed how ADHD affects their relationship.
Chris and Lena
"Teachers in school picked up on it but never told my family" - Chris
Lena and Chris have been together for over 19 years, and have been married for the last ten years. Recently, Chris was diagnosed with ADHD, and while this brought clarity, it also brought new challenges. While Lena is neurotypical, she has faced difficulties in navigating the impact of Chris's ADHD on their relationship.
For the first time, they are sitting down together to have an open and honest conversation about how ADHD has influenced their lives and their relationship whilst seeking to understand how to better support each other moving forward.
Shan & Jamie
"we try giving each other space and that doesn't feel great, and then we try talking about it, which doesn't always come out right" - Shan
Shan and Jamie have known each other for around nine months and have been in a relationship for the last three.
Shan was diagnosed with ADHD, Dyslexia, and Dyspraxia five years ago and additionally believes she may be on the Autism spectrum and experiences symptoms of Dysphasia. Jamie is neurotypical, which provides them with an opportunity to learn from each other's differences.
Tips and Advice
from Clare Dudeney, Humanistic Therapeutic Counsellor
As outlined in the films above, couples in a neurodiverse relationship face many challenges with communication, which often leads to misunderstandings, disagreements, and upset. Some couples still bear the scars from the past and struggle with the traumas from past relationships. Whereas others are embarrassed to talk openly about their neurodiverse condition and feel they have to mask their condition due to social stigmas and a lack of understanding.
It can be difficult to live with a neurodivergent. To help couples navigate the challenges of being in a neurodiverse relationship, Clare Dudeney, a Humanistic Therapeutic Counsellor with over 14 years of experience assisting neurodiverse individuals and couples, offers practical tips for navigating neurodiversity within relationships. Clare is Autistic and an ADHDer and gives her advice both from a therapist's perspective and from her own experiences of being in a neurodiverse relationship. Below she provides tips and advice on understanding each other's 'Love Languages', the importance of understanding yourself and your triggers, and guidance on self-compassion.
Love Languages
"Couples should learn each others Love Language"
It's essential to understand your partner's love languages. In my own experience, i'm not naturally affectionate; it just doesn't come to mind, but my partner is and needs that affection. He needs to hear how much I care about him; those words mean a lot to him.
Even though it's not second nature for me, I make a conscious effort to express my feelings because I know it's important to him. It's about meeting him halfway and making sure his needs are met. It also goes both ways; he understands how I receive love. This understanding can be so valuable when there are communication challenges because if you can offer even just a tiny gesture of love language, then you're kind of extending that olive branch and you're saying, "Look, I care for you, I'm here, you're safe".
Showing a willingness to establish open lines of communication in your relationship by discussing challenges and concerns, understanding your partner's perspective, and empathising with their unique experiences can help to build stronger connections within your relationship.
Understand Yourself
"Seek help and support to understand your condition"
For neurodiverse individuals, self-awareness and seeking the proper support are important elements for understanding their identity and relationship needs. Understanding yourself and your needs can be a complicated process, and it is one area in which individuals should consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor specialising in neurodiversity. Those who don't have that access could try to educate themselves and their partners by learning more about neurodiversity and its impact on behaviours and relationships, as without this foundation, it can often lead to frustration, stress, and misunderstandings in their relationship.
Being self aware is particularly important for those who have been late diagnosed or only recently discovered their neurodivergence. Gaining a deeper understanding of who you are, what makes you feel secure and supported is essential. Equally important is communicating these needs openly with your partner, as mutual understanding is the cornerstone of a healthy and supportive relationship.
Know your Triggers
"Draw on your experience to understand what triggers you".
As part of gaining better self-awareness, neurodiverse individuals should tap into their previous experiences and be open to working out what their triggers are. The best way to do this is to ask themselves these questions when they feel triggered: Why am I feeling like this? What's actually going on at the moment? I am reacting like this because I've got a history of being rejected or hurt in these scenarios, and I'm trying to protect myself.
Discussing triggers with a partner can be a powerful way to deepen your connection and improve communication. When neurodiverse individuals open up about their triggers, their neurotypical partners can better understand and support them. This knowledge and understanding can enhance relationships by allowing partners to work together to reduce triggers and help navigate potentially triggering situations.
Self Compassion
"Don't be so hard on yourself"
Self-compassion is a much bigger concept than many people realise, and it can be a vital gateway, especially for neurodiverse individuals who may have faced trauma or persistent negative messaging throughout their lives. These experiences, whether implicit or explicit, often have a lasting detrimental impact.
Practising self compassion means not being overly critical of yourself. Instead, it involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer to a close friend or loved one. This practice includes acknowledging your suffering, flaws, and challenges without judgment and responding with kindness and support. By embracing self-compassion, you open the door to greater self-acceptance, more authentic living, and genuine self-expression.
It's something that I work on a lot with my individual clients and my couples.
If you have been affected by any of the topics covered in this documentary or would like further information on neurodiverse conditions, these are some links you may find helpful, Samaritans, ADHD UK, British Dyslexia Association, National Autistic Society,
