Big Sister Tells All: The Realities of Girlhood
We spoke to women across generations about their experiences of enduring and surviving being a girl.
When you think of a girl, what comes to mind? Is it the casual joys of friendship or the social pressures to be perfect every second, both online and offline?
If I was to ask you to make a list of the best and worst things about being a girl, which list would be bigger? We cannot dismiss some of the challenging and daunting mutual experiences by young girls - mental health issues, body dysmorphia, and difficult household dynamics to name a few.
With the world more digitally connected than ever, girls often take to social media to discuss shared stories of the female-experience. To explore areas of the female-experience, we spoke to a range of women of different ages to hear their views.
Conflicts at home
Mummy issues? Daddy issues? Parental issues.
Transforming into a woman is a rough process, we can all admit that. You might remember the raging hormones and teenage-angst from your high-school years. These are some of the most character-altering years for teens. Shows like Gilmore Girls present an almost-perfect mother-daughter relationship, one enriched in friendship and limited traumatic conflict. This is rarely the case, let's be real.
Karen Daniel, 57, a greengrocer of Worthing, recalls the complex relationship with her mother as she grew up.
She said: "I don't ever remember my mum telling me she loved me. It was very different back then, and I don't know whether that was for everybody but we weren't a touchy-feely sort of family at all.
"I'm not saying that the way I was brought up was bad because it wasn't, and I probably had everything I wanted, but there wasn't a lot of love there, or it didn't feel like it."
She remembers a lack of guidance when having important conversations with her mother.
"I had to figure things out for myself, like boys and periods. It wasn't spoken about then the way it is now, normally it was too much information."
Remembering a more positive memory of her father, Karen added: "I have fond memories of my dad. My dad was very affectionate with my daughter but again I think it was a sign of the times."
"I had to figure things out for myself, like boys and periods"
It's important to remember that families are not one-size-fits-all. We all may have similar and differing memories of our childhood, and how our parents treated us. Sometimes it’s good to forgive your parents, but you're never obligated to either. Every situation is different, both in circumstance and complexity.
Karen and her daughter, Jasmine, 19
Research has found that for mothers of different cultures, parenting is influenced by the way that you are raised yourself. However, Karen is correct, the times are different.
A mother herself now, she said: "I don't speak to my daughter on the telephone or leave the house without telling her I love her
"She's not afraid of using that sort of terminology, and I hope that I've instilled that into her for when she has her own children.
Life is not always fair. We endure some of the worst that life must throw at us - illness, death, grief, pain - but to love is to commit yourself to bettering your life anyway.
Admiring Jasmine, Karen reflected on their mother-daughter bond.
"If my situation was different now, my relationship with my daughter would be different, because she has been brought up to actually have a voice and I wasn't. That's very important."
Mental Health & Pressures of Beauty Standards
WHO: “1 in 7 (14%) 10–19 year-olds experience mental health conditions”
The World Health Organisation reported in 2021 that globally 1 in 7 adolescents, aged between 10 and 19-years-old, experiences a mental disorder.
Their report stated: “Physical, emotional and social changes, including to poverty, abuse, or violence, can make adolescents vulnerable to mental health problems."
With hormones taking over, as a teen it’s such a confusing time to navigate. Everything feels awful. Everything feels out of your control. Everything and everyone seem against you. Parts of yourself and your body that you never saw issue with, suddenly become the centre of attention.
Many teens have shared experience of bullying in their life. With almost one-third of them experiencing bullying, and the effects are often regarded as ‘part of the high school years’. The effects can be damaging for a lifetime.
Figuring out who your real friends are
Lizzie Beard, 19, from Stoke, recalls losing a close male friend after his friends insulted her: “I started getting messages from his friends on his phone, all making fun of how I looked. Basically, his friends were taking the p*ss out of him for being friends with me because I was ‘ugly’.
Unable to even find comfort in another guy-friend, she spoke of when they told her she had a ‘mouth of a horse’.
No more of this notion that ‘boys will be boys’. Girls shouldn’t be responsible for teaching and parenting their male friends about basic respect. There is having a joke, or ‘banter’ - we all have banter - but it’s important to avoid being cruel.
Lizzie’s interactions with others were different depending on the changes she was making to her appearance, too.
“I dyed my hair red, and everyone loved it. Everyone would say ‘you look good’ and I started getting more attention as well. This all sounds horrible, but it was great.”
From such a young age we’re socialised to seek validation from others. It’s impossible to keep up with every viral TikTok trend, new Pinterest style, or afford the new ‘perfect’ skin care product. It’s all too much.
It isn’t always platonic relationships which can be damaging on teen girls. Reflecting on her college years, Lizzie describes how a toxic ‘friends-with-benefits' relationship led to damaging habits, triggering her eating disorder.
“I would be thinking ‘am I as attractive as this girl, and what can I do so that I am’. I knew who he was talking to and attracted to, and I would always be looking at their Instagram, looking at what they were posting.”
However, Lizzie gives credit to social media in helping her recovery.
“I had a lot of rules about what foods I could eat at certain times. Whereas on social media people would say ‘you don't have to always eat something healthy, as long as you eat something’.
“It was more just about getting information and resources that helped, so I’d say social media’s impact helped to balance it out.”
Isabel Gondar, 41, of Loughborough, praised young people for being so open about their mental health. “I think there’s much more information about it. While I was growing up there was nothing like that in school, or even at home.
“I see my daughter as a teenager, I see that it’s becoming normal to talk about certain things that we didn’t talk about before.”
Finding magic in Girlhood
"A smile is the best makeup any girl can wear." - Marilyn Monroe
All the women that we interviewed emphasised the importance of friendship. The wholesome bonds that bind women together are often the foundation of girlhood. We wipe tears that we didn’t cause. We fix hearts that we didn’t break.
Lizzie mentioned the infamous interactions in club bathrooms: “You walk in and make three new friends, everyone loves your outfit, your makeup, and everyone wants your Snapchat.”
It’s beautiful to see others lifting each other up, finding community in shared interests. We should not feel shame for liking ‘girly’ hobbies, activities, or music.
Natalia Sarnacka, 19, from Rotherham expressed her admiration for influential female figures, such as musician Taylor Swift. “I just love the Swiftie community because she brings out a new song and everyone's so happy.”
Final advice to the young generation...
If you’re reading this worrying about your future prospects and the years ahead of you, our girls have some final words of advice for you.
Lizzie, 20: “Everyone is so self-conscious. Everyone is so insecure, so if someone picks on you for something, it tends to be because they don’t like that part of themselves.”
Natalia, 19: “I think when you’re younger you’re so self-critical and when you look back you think, ‘I was critical to literally a baby’.
“I think sometimes you don’t allow yourself to learn, you feel like you need to be at that stage already.”
Isabel, 41: “Choose the friends that you surround yourself with, wisely.”
Karen, 57: “Get out there and see the world.”
It’s important to celebrate our success, especially when life can throw many curveballs at us. While you are trying to navigate your way through your confusing teen years, remember to take a breather. Think of all the women before you and the words of wisdom shared.
Research in infographic from Mental Health Foundation (Body image report - Executive Summary (mentalhealth.org.uk).
