Why is TikTok currently obsessed with this thing called “the liking gap”?

Constantly going through your day worrying and wondering if people like you is generally considered a pretty common human experience.

But according to a concept called “the liking gap” that has quickly gained traction on TikTok, it turns out, that people actually like you more than you think they do.

The term “the linking gap” was coined by researchers in a 2018 study that found following interactions, participants systematically underestimated how much the people they talked with liked them and enjoyed their company.

This illusion was named the liking gap with the study’s findings suggesting that after we have conversations, we are liked more than we know.

The study follows various settings where strangers become acquainted with each other such as housemates, new co-workers, classmates and strangers forced to chat with one another.

Participants were asked about how much they liked the person they met and how much they thought the other person liked them.

In every scenario, all participants ranked their perceived likability far lower than what the other person actually felt about their interactions. One explanation for this liking gap from the study highlights the role negative thoughts have in our perception of ourselves and social interactions.

“After people have conversations, their thoughts tend to be critical of their own social performance, and they then project these thoughts onto others and have doubts about how much others like them,” the study states.

Furthermore, an analysis from 2008 reinforces these negative feedback patterns as the overthinking process after an interaction fuels an individual's anxiety about how they came across in social situations as they constantly overanalyse their “performance”.

The problem lies in our inability to simply ask someone how much they like us after an interaction ends. Because we cannot read people’s minds, we fill in the gaps and make assumptions about what the other person thought about us.

In other words, as TikTok user @dellara puts it, “We are really out here sh***ing on ourselves for no reason.”

Even in situations where people are giving physical signals of enjoying the conversation (e.g. smiling, hand gestures), researchers have found people will habitually underestimate how well-liked they are.

A more recent 2021 study investigating the liking gap in children over 4 years of age, found that the liking gap starts to emerge when children are around 5 years old.

At age 5 children begin to understand “reputation management” and will start to exhibit behaviours appealing to their likability and concern for the impression they make on other people.

The good news is that in the case of longer-term relationships, such as roommates or coworkers, the liking gap will diminish over time. While you may feel awkward and uncomfortable when you first meet someone, with time as you get to know someone you will begin to feel more confident in your interactions and the liking gap will begin to shrink.

This makes sense as we get more comfortable with others, we stop second guessing every word we say and move we make.

The adage, “You are your own worst critic” really is the case.

So the main takeaway TikTok has taught us is that we walk away from our conversations with the reassurance that we are more liked than we could ever know.