Tinder made me toxic
The modern woman's struggle to avoid misogyny and hate in her quest to find love online.
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We'd like to pay our respect to Elders past, present and emerging, and extend this respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders from other communities, and acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded.
In 2022, nothing screams more modern or "millennial" than using dating apps to find someone you can connect with.
Sifting through the countless profiles on dating apps can get tiring. Groups of friends where you can barely tell whom the profile belongs to, shirtless selfies with the face cropped out, and perhaps worst of all - pictures of men with a fish they caught.
While these are all harmless, albeit cringe and often at times off-putting, the true horror of such dating apps lies within the interactions and conversations female-identifying individuals are subjected to on these platforms.
This was no different for Nancy Jo Sales, a journalist, New York Times best-selling author and director of HBO’s Swipe, a documentary on the realities of using dating apps.
Ms Sales experienced first-hand many of the awful things younger women had warned her about. Including unwanted nudes, sleazy messages, and misogynistic attitudes, after she began using dating apps at 49 years old.
“I sort of saw first-hand what it was like, and I saw immediately how I started to experience the things that these girls were experiencing,” she said.
“Telling me about getting dick pics, which I had never gotten before, and getting these harassing messages or these conversations that just immediately become sexual with a person you've never even seen in your life.”
Online dating initially graced our screens in 1995 when the first dating program was launched.
Match.com revolutionised the world of dating, allowing users to search for love from the comfort of their couch.
In its introduction, many societal barriers were broken. One study showed that there was a spike in interracial relationships, as well as concluding that online dating was the most common way homosexual/gay and lesbian/LGTBQIA+ couples began a relationship.
Following the birth of Match.com, a series of new and improved apps and sites emerged throughout the 2000s. This came along with the social media boom of the new century. MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Instagram all travelled along with online dating and progressed the normality of online relationships.
Then in 2012, arguably the most popular dating app was created.
Tinder broke the initial barriers of online dating. Previously, users had to spend time in front of a browser and digging through long bios. Now, they are able to change their location, give themselves a bio and gallery of images of them on a vacation or playing with their dog.
Creators Sean Rad and Justin Mateen introduced the infamous ‘swiping’ feature, which TIME magazine says is a high end version of ‘hot or not’. Users could pick and choose who they wanted to speak to simply through viewing their photos and bio, and could even ‘superlike’ if they really wanted to be noticed.
The creators said that the app valued efficiency, cutting the time spent looking at profiles with the swiping feature.
Tinder set the bar for other dating apps to follow. Grindr, Bumble and Hinge all emerged in the years post the online dating revolution, taking pages out of Tinder’s book and putting their own spin on it.
Although dating apps like Bumble aim to combat harassment and safety issues by only letting women initiate conversations with matches, this does little to solve the overarching problem of female-identifying persons being constantly harassed and abused on such platforms.
Ms Sales said the app’s idea of giving women more control does nothing to prevent women from being harassed, sexually assaulted or harmed by matches.
“What a misleading tagline that they give themselves, because there's nothing feminist about it, if you ask me.”
A study conducted in late 2021 found that Bumble’s “forced empowerment” design left female users with feelings of anxiety, and when choosing to initiate on Tinder, women were “considered negatively aggressive.” This no-win culture is a major deterrent for women to use dating apps.
This same study found that many of its participants perceived Tinder to “be fraught with popular misogyny”, with female participants who rejected men’s advances being subjected to harassing messages through the app.
Having dated for many years before the introduction of dating apps, Ms Sales thinks men’s attitudes on dating have become more toxic since apps became the norm.
“Although things were never perfect and dating apps didn't invent misogyny, I do believe they exacerbated it -I do, and I think there's a lot of evidence of that,” she said.
An online survey of 50 people conducted for the purpose of this story, also elicited some alarming and downright appalling responses.
Many women surveyed had been the victim of online harassment more than once, with 74 per cent of participants saying they had received at least one hurtful or hateful message on a dating app.
42 per cent of these participants had received five or more messages.
"I got asked if I wanna go halves in a crime, he'll do the rape and I'll do the time."
Our survey also gave participants the chance to share messages they had received from matches...
"Calling me fat because I rejected them."
"I got called a slut for being on a dating app by someone on the app, and also have had horrible sexually violent comments towards me."
"They didn’t match for me they matched to get with my friends. They said I’m not attractive but my friends are."
"I’m Asian so a lot of racial slurs, I'm also plus size so I’ve been called a whale and other fatphobic slurs before as well."
"I got asked if I wanna go halves in a crime, he'll do the rape and I'll do the time."
"Comments like “you are hot for a chubby girl”, comments making jokes about spiking my drink at a club."
"A guy told me “this app is full of desperate sluts”."
"I’ve been called a bitch, ugly, ungrateful, gross, a 4/10. Usually because my response to their initial message wasn’t what they expected or because I left them on read."
" A boy once liked my photo on hinge and commented that he “would just like to throw me at a wall” which took me back a bit."
"Thank god I didn't give him my real address."
From these responses, it is clear that many women who use dating apps have been the target of misogynistic or hateful messages. However, a number of responses also indicated some form of threat to privacy or physical safety.
"I’ve had some experiences of people stalking me because of these apps."
"Comments about spiking drinks made me very worried about the men out there."
"They found my Instagram even though it wasn’t connected to my dating app account. It felt like an invasion of privacy."
"Hooked up with someone who hit me, ignored my boundaries and left me with bruises on my face, legs and boobs."
"A fake tinder account was made under my name."
"A boy insisted he'd come to my house, I texted him the house across the road so I could sus out the situation before letting him into my real home. Upon his arrival I noticed he’d brought 2 other men with him, then they hung around for 20 minutes calling my phone telling me there were gonna break in and do all kinds of things to me. Thank god I didn’t give him my real address."
Our research also led to the creation of a fake Tinder account to observe what messages were received, and some responses are included below. Matches did not receive any responses or interaction.
"No whales please."
"You need a gym."
"Well they say when in Rome, do as the Romans do, so I guess we gotta try anal...that or pizza."
"You look like a very innocent girl."
"I dare you to fuck me."
Another study, which looked at the misogynistic attitudes apparent among male Tinder users via /r/Tinder on the popular website - Reddit, found that many posts made by men on this subreddit criticised women’s appearances, and sexual confidence, viewing Tinder as a game rather than an interaction with legitimate humans.
Women on the subreddit who criticised such posts were often met with misogynistic responses and were bullied themselves.
Having interviewed countless men and women on their dating app experiences, and previously used the apps herself, Ms Sales knows how common “gamification” of Tinder really is.
Collage created with permission from the users who provided screenshots of their messages.
Collage created with permission from the users who provided screenshots of their messages.
“You're like a cow being pushed down the shoots through these certain things, you do this, you do that, and I think one of the reasons why people become so abusive on these apps is because it doesn't feel like it's human,” she said.
“You’re not dealing with humans, you’re not like seeing a person or actually really feeling their vibe at all.”
Olivia Henry, a 20-year-old assistant manager from Melbourne, said she and her friends are regularly subjected to gross and sexist language on dating apps including Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.
“We’re all alternative-looking, so a lot of men assume that we’re kinky or looking for casual hook-ups, it’s really gross.”
“As soon as we say we’re not interested or call them out for being too forward, the insults start coming in. Sometimes they’re the most generic make-me-a-sandwich comments,” she said, laughing.
Our previously mentioned study found this narrative to be common, with 66 per cent of those surveyed saying they had been insulted or received a hateful message for rejecting someone on a dating app.
Similar narratives were shared by many of the young women interviewed as well. This included Isabella Tudisca, whose first date with a tinder match at 11am left her completely uncomfortable.
Although dating apps do have success stories, long-lasting relationships and happy endings, Ms Sales urges women to be mindful of the risks these apps bring - and to not blame themselves for anything negative that may happen.
“Keep your eyes open and when these things start to happen, just know that it's not you, it's the platform."
In essence
The internet is a void, that often we as individuals get lost in. The spectrum of content is endless and you can basically find whatever you need. Before the 90s, connecting with others was more of an effort. You had to be a lot more confident, a lot more organised and a lot more willing to pursue someone you see in public for the first time.
The internet altered this, and online dating features threw impromptu socialising out the window. You can't definitively say that online dating has ruined the social cohesion of our society, because you're able to stay connected after hours from your couch or bed.
But what it has done is create a barrier between the sender and the receiver. You can get away with much more behind a screen.
The people interviewed for the purpose of this project all had their own stories. Whether you're a New York Times journalist and author, or a science student with a minimum wage job, there are almost always common experiences shared.
Unfortunately, no one is safe from potential abuse, violence and harassment, and we as individuals must decide whether this unwanted behaviour is worth the price of pursuing love.
If you or anyone you know has been affected by anything in this story, please reach out to these helplines:
White Ribbon Australia 1800 737 732
Lifeline 13 11 14
Sexual Assault Crisis Line 1800 806 292
Acknowledgments
We'd like to thank each and every one of the people who contributed to our project. To everyone who completed our survey, gave us screenshots and suggested other sources, and those who were gracious enough to share their own experiences, good or bad.
Special thanks to our sources for taking the time out of their day to sit with us and help us shed light on such an important topic.
