Stories from Wonderland

UKN/CM's Story

Just out of personal curiosity, why do you refer to yourself as "we"?
Ah- it’s because well, I’m quite connected to my paracosms, and my consciousness is usually mixed in with my paras! If it makes sense. And because it just sounds right.

Can you describe your first experience with maladaptive daydreaming?
I remember it so well, so I was at school [primary], and I was like… chased by large aliens in their pods around the school ground, so I took shelter in the media room.
I managed to get into contact with… Super Sonics. And somehow, like, majestic celestial whales. The night sky was beautiful and everything.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
It usually starts whenever I want it to—but more so when I'm anxious or not good with my current surroundings [e.g. walking to and from school]. I would have a convo in one of the paracosms along with my paras.

LOL I literally have Google Sheets dedicated to profiling paras. Why do you think your paras appeal to you?
SAME BUT CUSTOM DRAWN LOL
They're just there at the right time and right moment - probably because no one else was?

What inspires them? Are you “introduced” to them or do they just kind of show up like they’ve always been there?
They actually form through a series of paracosms, or whenever I need them. The ‘dimensions’ paracosm forms and we meet that way. But most are already there after being formed through the years.

What is your favorite thing about your parame?
My parame? You might mean parames XD
They just carry my whole dream moods / life. Actually, since growing up I tend to “change personalities,” you know, maturing and stuff. My consciousness will be transferred to a new parame, and the older ones are now just another para [but I can shift consciousness to them if timing is right].

How did you hear about MD & the community?
Came across some Pinterest things as always and it felt like, it was what was happening to me, you know?

Do you consider MD a hindrance?
Nope! I probably would hope it was real and that my paracosm wouldn't glitch like crazy and become blurry every time I get unstable [like when thinking it's not real, causes quite the damage].

A paracosm “glitch” is actually such an interesting description. What is it like for you to come out of a daydream? Is it sudden or do you just go back to life as usual?
It happens within a paracosm when the world seems like it's blurring together or falling apart.

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are unaware of it or maybe afraid to talk about it?
It's gonna be okay. In some cases like mine, they'll be a huge help. People might not believe you, and that's okay. All you need to do is believe in yourself and those that do believe you. And be careful who you tell about it though—they may think you're crazy—but that's up to you to decide.

" I’m quite connected to my paracosms, and my consciousness is usually mixed in with my paras! "

" I was like… chased by large aliens... And somehow, like,
majestic celestial whales "

" They're just there at the right time and right moment - probably because no one else was? "

" My consciousness will be transferred to a new parame. "

" I can shift consciousness to
them if timing is right. "

" It's gonna be okay...
People might not believe you, and that's okay. All you need to do is believe in yourself and those
that do believe you.. "

" They may think you're crazy—
but that's up to you to decide. "

" I [liked] the animation style... though looking back it has, like, objectively bad animation). "

" I also struggle with dissociation. "

" I always daydream... that I’m laying next to/cuddling someone. "

" I have some stims that are very socially abnormal and would probably freak out the kids. "

" I think a big part of the appeal is making up for what I lack in reality. "

" I have a significant other who's also a character in the game.
I have four that I switch between."

" I have a sort of open poly thing going on with three of them... I feel like I'm "cheating" on others "

" Logically, they're fictional
but I rarely actually believe it. . "

" There's also BDSM stuff
involved which largely is
NOT in a sexual way. "

" My parames are
[usually] CIS and skinny. "

" A year ago I was held in a desert and, like, indoctrinated into a cult. "

" Whenever I would have
psychotic episodes...
[the staff] would tell me
it’s spirits trying to talk to me or other shit like that. "

" It's so different from just
normal daydreaming,
and usually it's a sign that someone has very serious needs
that aren't being met. "

" Also to not be embarrassed
about it but I haven't really
mastered that one yet. "

J's Story

Can you describe your first experience with maladaptive daydreaming?
I was trying to sleep, and… imagining myself living as a character from some media I watched. The first media I can remember doing this with is from a movie called Alpha and Omega. It's, like, about these two wolves, and part of the reason I liked it is the animation style was pleasing in a sensory way (though looking back it has, like, objectively bad animation).

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
It usually starts on my way to work or school. I listen to music and daydream accompanying the music. I also have a few parames where I'm in a band or am a single artist so usually it's those that go with the music.

The daydream is tied into what I'm doing.
For example,... one where I'm a teacher (which is also the job I wanna have eventually). I work as a summer camp counselor, so the teacher parame can kinda morph into that easily.

I also struggle with dissociation so the media that the daydreams are based on are often different…
I always daydream while I’m… lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, usually that I’m laying next to/cuddling someone.

When I’m home, I’m usually not daydreaming as much… typically pacing and whispering and making facial expressions… as well as stimming freely. I stim in public as well, but I have some stims that are very socially abnormal and would probably freak out the kids I work with).

What exactly is “stimming”? Is it like the subconscious movements?
Sometimes they're subconscious, other times completely voluntary and conscious. It's short for self-stimulating behavior.
Everyone can and usually does do it at some time, but it's much more common in autistic people due to our sensory differences.
It's like making your own sensory input to make up for some lack of positive sensory input from your environment. People usually do it when feeling strong emotions, either positive or negative.
I like to stim with my whole body, which can look like jumping up and down, intensely swinging my body around, stuff like that. In public I'll flap my hands and keep things with good textures on me to feel.

Why do you think your paracosms/paras appeal to you?
I think a big part of the appeal is making up for what I lack in reality, largely accommodations and a feeling of belonging with others/not being ostracized.

Most of my paracosms involve me as a character (kazuichi souda) from the video game “danganronpa”—which, like, if you know about the fandom is embarrassing and I don't even like the games anymore, but the paracosms are soooo insanely detached from the canon, I just took some characters and remade a lot of them/a lot of them are very different from their canon selves.

In most of the paras, I have a significant other who's also a character in the game. I have four mostly that I switch between, but also in some paras I have a sort of open poly thing going on with three of them. This is sometimes very distressing as I feel like I'm "cheating" on others if I'm daydreaming about different worlds/universes where I'm dating others. I try to remind myself that, logically, they're fictional but I rarely actually believe it.

My most common paracosm is where I'm, like, Kazuichi and one of the main guys, but have the sort of open thing with the two others who are dating each other.

There's also BDSM stuff involved which largely is NOT in a sexual way really, most of that appeal has to do with accomodations.

My autism makes me thrive under a strict schedule but my ADHD makes it almost impossible for me to hold myself to one which causes a lot of distress in the real world, so having the world where someone else keeps me to a schedule is very comforting. In the world the other guy is autistic as well, and we understand each other and are unashamed about our unconventional needs that we both have.

Another thing I usually involve in my parames are being CIS and skinny. I have no self hatred over being trans and fat at all, it's just really, really nice to imagine where I'm not, and these things that make people treat me as if I'm not human don't exist for me. I'm not sure why I'm not also allistic because of the same reason, my autism is a very large part of my mistreatment… maybe I just can't imagine experiencing life any other way?

When/How did you first hear about MD and the MD community?
I think I first heard about it on, like, Tumblr in 2015 or something. But I was just like, “haha I do that” and didn't really care. Over time, as I’ve become more and more reliant on it and kept seeing things about it on social media, I thought like, "oh ok maybe this is a real thing I gotta deal with,” which is when I started actually researching and seriously looking into it as well as looking for [a] community.

Do you consider MD a hindrance?
In my current state of living, I don't see it as a hindrance overall, it's an effective coping mechanism for me. I only get issues with it when I confuse them for reality, and/or am in a situation where I can't daydream and I get incredibly distressed… like, I’m super reliant on it.

Usually I can daydream no matter what since it's all in my head anyway, but a year ago I was held in a desert and, like, indoctrinated into a cult so I didn't have a lot of time to really think about anything since I was so mentally stressed all the time… and since my brain was so fried with manipulation, it couldn't really produce the daydream coping mechanism which made everything a lot worse.

Wait woah, what was the cult like?
My place was called Evoke Wilderness Therapy, but the industry/cult as a whole is usually referred to as the troubled teen industry.
I (and many survivors) believe the industry is a cult because of the tactics they use, including, but not limited to, emotional manipulation, complete isolation from everyone you know outside the program… There's also food and water withholding for desired behavior, brainwashing, instituting a group-think mentality.

Whenever I would have psychotic episodes there or talk about my hallucinations, [the staff] would tell me it’s spirits trying to talk to me or other shit like that… which obviously didn't help.

What do you wish people knew about MD?
That it's so different from just normal daydreaming, and usually it's a sign that someone has very serious needs that aren't being met.

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are unaware of it or maybe afraid to talk about it?
Treat it seriously, even though it's easy to brush off or gaslight yourself into believing it's just normal daydreaming. And also to not be embarrassed about it but I haven't really mastered that one yet.

C's Story

Can you describe your first experience with maladaptive daydreaming?
Before I knew about MD, I’d describe it as a little movie in my head. It kind of gave me the same joy from actually watching media.
I guess it started as a way to cope? I wasn’t a very happy kid back then.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
I’m almost always listening to music;
On free days, it’s very very very time consuming. I wake up at around 8-9 am on those days, and usually find myself daydreaming till lunch; the only reason I stop is to go eat with the family… then I feel the need to daydream again… I find myself staying up until midnight daydreaming… And the cycle continues.

What is your paracosm like?
…We’d be here all day, but my main paracosm takes place in a huge world, but the actual story is situated in the “country” of Dynamo, which is basically a nation made up of people called ‘anomalies’ (people who are flagrantly different from the general populace). Most of the story revolves around a couple of very powerful demigods.

I think you’re the only person who said you’re not featured in your daydreams. Why do you think that is?
I’m not sure; I assumed nobody else included themselves in their daydreams. The closest I’d get to an “ideal version” of myself would be that I make a couple of characters go through my experiences, but that’s really all.
I actually have tried daydreaming about myself and inserting myself in daydreams in the past, but it makes me feel weird. It never felt right, and I wasn’t obligated to include myself in daydreams, so I just never did it again.

How did you first hear about MD and the MD community?
I actually heard about it from a Pinterest post XD
It was describing MD, and I was shocked I’d found a community who went through the daydreaming I did… I joined Discord when I was 13 and I found a server for MD,... it’s the only access I have to the MD community, but I’m glad nonetheless.

Do you consider MD a hindrance?
I’d say it’s a hindrance, but not unwanted. If I didn’t have MD, I would’ve learned how to study better, made more friends and focused more in general. I also have calluses on my palms and feet because of how often I pace and me pushing on the walls due to not having a proper space to pace. But I do lose weight thanks to it…
But I definitely wouldn’t want to get rid of it definitively. I’m too attached to the world I’ve made for that.

What do you wish people knew about MD?
Well, I wish people knew about MD itself in the first place; maybe if it were more well known, I would’ve found out about it sooner. But also I would want them to know that some of us can’t control it! I was always worried my friends got mad when I randomly began pacing (thankfully they don’t mind) because I couldn’t explain that it wasn’t really me who decided.

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are maybe afraid to talk about it?
In my personal experience, I haven’t told anyone about my MD because the people around me don’t believe in mental health…
I do encourage seeking out other daydreamers, though! Not only is it fun to converse about para/paracosms together, you might enlighten someone who didn’t know they had MD! (Also, my fellow daydreamer friend and I have a system where whenever he comes over to my house, we use it as an excuse to daydream. He sits in my room and does his thing while I pace in the hallway. It’s cool.)

" It kind of gave me the same joy from actually watching media. "

" I guess it started as a way to cope? I wasn’t a very happy kid back then. "

" I assumed nobody else included themselves in their daydreams. "

" I actually have tried
daydreaming about myself...
but it makes me feel weird. "

" I’d say it’s a hindrance,
but not unwanted. "

" I also have calluses on my palms and feet because of how often I pace and [push] on the walls. "

" I definitely wouldn’t want to get rid of it definitively. I’m too attached to the world I’ve made for that. "

" I couldn’t explain that it wasn’t really me who decided. "

" I developed a crush on an animated character I don’t want to disclose. "

" I treat my paracosms like how a writer treats their books. "

" I love how my parame can do anything I want to do without the restrictions of reality. "

" [MD] may also be a reaction to an 'unstimulating' world. "

" They’re not alone. There are people just like them out there, and I’m just one of them. "

Mint's Story

Can you describe your first experience with maladaptive daydreaming?
Well… my first concrete paracosm was around 9 years when I developed a crush on an animated character I don’t want to disclose.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
They usually start with a song randomly coming to my head, and I listen to that song… and that leads to stuff like dancing and running around while imagining what actions me or my paras take.

Why do you think your paracosms/paras appeal to you? (Btw I also like Stray Kids lol)
I treat my paracosms like how a writer treats their books… I like the meticulous amount of research that goes into fleshing out my paras and their sources, and how this is probably the main productive thing I do (if I consider constantly meandering with the same plots and fleshing them out only after some new information as “productive”).

What is your favorite thing about your parame and why?
I love how my parame can do anything I want to do without the restrictions of reality, even though I also consider this a curse, as I’m unable to start anything that would actually make those daydreams concrete.
Think “Any” by Stray Kids (since you mentioned you like them lol).

What do you wish people knew about MD?
MD is usually described as being a result of trauma, but it may also be a reaction to an “unstimulating” world. Just as systems may have many different origins, MD can also have different reasons for popping up. also, I would like people to understand that it’s a disorder (and as such, differs from immersive daydreaming), so they wouldn’t make “oh you keep daydreaming so cool” comments.

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are unaware of it or maybe afraid to talk about it?
I would like them to know that they’re not alone. There are people just like them out there, and I’m just one of them.

K's Story

Can you describe your first experience with daydreaming?
I would create worlds. Back then they were heavily inspired by cartoons I watched. My parame would be a princess and have an amazing life. I had also a big phase for Barbie spy squad.
The older I was, the more attached I was to my paras and paracosms… I have the same main paracosms for years and I don't think I could change it.
I also find it interesting that I have a very hard time remembering my life when I was little but I can remember many of my daydreams from that time.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
After I wake up I usually immediately start daydreaming.
I was on a scouts bivouac (sleeping in a forest)... I was passing our hammocks and I got a flash daydream of someone cutting the ropes off of them. It fitted my recent daydream of a world… And I daydreamed about it the whole bivouac.
I also daydream while falling asleep. I also have sleeping problems… Once in a while I would not take melatonin so I could daydream because at the moment it was more important than sleep.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
I think it's because they're a form of escape from reality and my way to cope with things. They're also better than my life. I'm also very attached and close with my paras and although they're not real I form relationships with them through my parames.

You mentioned that your parame is pretty different from you irl. Why do you think that is?
I think it's because I don't really have an idealized version of myself. There's still things I don't like about me but in my daydreams I like to explore and live as many different people. I love how my parames have better lives than me and don't have as many problems as I have.

When/How did you first hear about MD and the MD community?
I first saw the term 'Maladaptive daydreaming' in a random comment on Instagram. I thought it has to do something with daydreaming so I looked it up.

Do you consider MD a hindrance?
I think it's complicated. It both helps and disturbs my life. On one side I get to form 'relationships' with all my amazing paras and I always have something to think about, but on the other side I have troubles focusing and sometimes I sacrifice something in my life for daydreaming (ex. sleep).

What do you wish people knew about MD?
I wish people knew that it doesn't just mean you daydream a lot. I wish people knew the struggles that come with it.

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are maybe afraid to talk about it?
If you struggle, try to find a MD community somewhere… Other MD'ers will understand you better than people who don't have MD.

" The older I was, the more attached I was to my paras and paracosms. "

" I have a very hard time remembering my life when I was little but I can remember many of my daydreams from that time. "

" Once in a while I would not take melatonin so I could daydream because at the moment it was more important than sleep. "

" They're a form of escape from reality and my way to cope with things. "

" I love how my parames have better lives than me and don't have as many problems as I have. "

" Other MD'ers will understand you better than people who don't have MD. "

" When I moved, my stories became more vivid. "

" When a fundamental part of the world doesn't make sense I throw the idea away. "

" I have to force myself to stop, because if I don't people will find it weird. "

" I tried really hard to believe that there were people like me in the world. "

Mi's Story

You’re the only person who actually remembers when they first began daydreaming. Can you describe that first experience?
It was in December of 2016. As a kid I had the habit of creating some stories in my head (I was heavily influenced by Minecraft Machinima Youtubers)...
I realized that, when I moved, my stories became more vivid (I also remember having a really good "feeling" on my head)... I thought It was cool that I could immerse myself in my stories, and that's why I continued.

It’s also interesting how you have the same paras in but your paracosms change every day. What influences your paras/paracosms?
My paras are mostly characters I create to chat with me. They are normally based on real people... my personal life has a huge influence on them.
I stopped having the habit of creating paracosms… They "change everyday" because sometimes I have to discard them… when a fundamental part of the world doesn't make sense I throw the idea away.

What is the day-to-day like with MaDD?
It depends. Sometimes I just start doing It alone, sometimes I need music to start it.
It's not a thing I choose, though. I simply follow what my body "wants" to do.
For example, when I'm in School I just start talking to myself in the middle of the class without realizing it… I normally start laughing (sometimes loudly) at my daydreams… I have to force myself to stop, because if I don't people will find it weird.

When/How did you first hear about MD and the MD community?
I was having a bad day… this feeling started to make me feel terrible, and I wanted to make it end. So I sat in front of my computer and started searching my "symptoms”… In the end, I actually found something, and here we are today :D

Do you have any advice for people who may have MD but are unaware of it or maybe afraid to talk about it?
When I was in my pre-adolescence and was dealing with MD without knowing what it was, I tried really hard to believe that there were people like me in the world.
I just really hope they end up finding the community someday. Or that MD gets so "famous" they hear about it.
(Also, sorry for my broken English)